The legacy of a narcissistic mother

The legacy of a narcissistic mother

About 12 years ago I read an article about Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and I was struck by how it reminded of both my mother and step mother. 8 years later I looked it up on Wiki and saw how my mother could so easily fit the profile of someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). There wasn't much I could do with that information, save put a name to what was horribly wrong with her.

Someone with NPD is not necessarily someone who is particularly in love with his or herself. In fact, self loathing is a common characteristic. However, such a person is extremely self absorbed and generally lacks both empathy and self awareness of their dysfunction. There is a lot more to it, and if you are interested the wiki page is here.

Recently I met a woman, who like me had identified that her mother had NPD, and she referred me to the website for Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers (DONM). This was a watershed moment for me. I had never really considered Rae as a narcissistic mother (as opposed to simply a person with NPD), and I had not considered that my experiences as the daughter of such a mother would follow a pattern repeated by thousands of other people around the world who had been raised by someone with this disorder. Perusing the forum of this website I am humbled by the sheer numbers of women who have shared in my experiences. Women who would understand if I told them I have nothing to do with my mother. Women who would not squirm if they heard the details of my upbringing. Women who would accept, wholeheartedly, that a relationship with my mother would open me up to more years of torment and abuse. I am still slightly dizzied by the notion that my mother is not so unique, that so many children have lived, and continue to live that life.

As a mother myself, I often despair at how undervalued the role of the mother is in society, but my experiences also tell me that the role is somewhat idealised. While we do not necessarily give mothers the props they deserve for their role in shaping the nation, we also seem a bit blinded to the idea that not all mothers are capable of living up to the ideal. Some women are so damaged psychologically, they bring down, rather than bring up their children. The NPD mother is a lost cause. Incapable of self reflection, her abuses will continue unfettered until the day she dies.

I ceased contact with my mother in 2002. As she was what is referred to on the DONM site as an "ignoring mother", ceasing contact was easy. I simply never called her again. She made no attempt to contact me. In her world, she is the centre of everything, and it is our obligation as children to worship at the temple of Rae. She will not lower herself to contact her children, except when she needs something, or wishes to abuse us. If we do not contact her, then she simply moves on to her next victim. If we do not feed her cravings, we are simply of no use.

I have had the occasional person tell me it is a shame that I have no contact with my mother. In the early days of no contact, my siblings were the most vocal in this regard. They have since either gone low contact or no contact themselves. What the 'normals' (people who have had a decent upbringing) often don't and cannot appreciate, is the hopelessness of the expectation of a even a slightly normal or healthy relationship with an NPD parent. To the NPD parent, a child is an object to be used up. It is common that they do not love their children, however they do rely on their children for what is termed "Narcissistic Supply" - the children are seen as chattels to feed the narcissism and sadisitic tendencies of the NPD person. This is not a 'relationship'. This is a transaction in which the child pays with his or her soul.

Children are perfect for Narcissistic Supply as they are vulnerable, dependent, and therefore easily manipulated. When they reach independence, guilt is a big reason why such children stay connected to the abuser. This brings me back to the idealisation of mothers. To turn your back on your mother is a big taboo in our society. The child of the NPD parent has spent a lifetime trying to be perfect and trying to please, because that child has been made to feel inferior and responsible for the unhappiness of the abusive parent. It is common that the child struggles with criticism, constructive or otherwise as criticism is a tool of abuse that has been wielded in a wholly negative way for for that child's entire life. This deep fear of criticism is possibly why the NPD child allows his or herself to be abused into adulthood, because to turn your back on your mother - in this society - risks opening oneself up to the criticism of others.

Another startling revelation was that my ex-stepmother ticked many of the behavioural boxes for the NPD parent. She was so different to my mother, it is hard to imagine that they should have anything in common. They did, however, have the same underlying dysfunction, just in different flavours. It is a relief to be able to say that the woman was abusive. My younger sister has opened up to me about a few things that the stepmother did to her, and I now feel free to admit that she was the kind of woman the Brothers Grimm had in mind when they wrote wicked stepmothers into their tales. I have hitherto tread carefully on the subject of her as she is still a part of both my brother's and father's life but right now I feel emboldened enough to call a spade a spade.

I am intrigued that my father should be attracted to and marry two NPD women (although I should add that the second may carry traits of other personality disorders). My father and I have talked about it, and I like to think he might do a bit of soul searching. If he does, he is sure to be led to the memory of his father, and the effect that his father had on his own feelings of self worth. But that is a whole other psycho-therapeutic blog session!