Dirty Ditties
I was reminded recently of the dirty ditties that my mother taught me when I was a child. I did a quick web search to see if I could find any of them online, but to no avail. I was a bit careful about my search words (not too keen on stumbling across nasty pages) so I cannot be sure whether or not they have been recorded for posterity. In case they haven't, I am posting the few I can remember. It is not the classiest way to begin the New Year but if I don't do it while I think of it, I will forget.
This 'underground' stuff is part of our history and our cultural fabric, but being crass and not particularly enriching, I imagine it lives on in the oral rather than written histories (oh, one wonders how New Idea slips through). So all the more reason to record it.
As a word of warning, these rhymes are mildly offensive (in case you hadn't already figured that one out!), so if you are offended easily, don't read on.
The following rhyme has a tune to accompany it. If I ever get around to it, I will record it and attach it here.
Old Farmer Jock
Old Farmer Jock had a fifty foot cock and he showed it to the lady next door,
She thought it was a snake, so she hit it with a rake,
And now it's only four foot four.
Captain Cook
Captain Cook, the bare-bummed rook, went sailing down the river.
He hit a rock, and split his cock,
And left his balls to shiver.
Captain Cook, did a poop behind the kitchen door.
A bunch of grass, tickled his arse,
And made him do some more.
Michael and Mary
Michael and Mary went down to the dairy,
Michael pulled out his hairy canary.
"Wow!" said Mary, "What a whopper!
Let's get down and do things proper!"
Three months later, all went well,
Six months later, things began to swell,
Nine months later, what a shock!
Out came a baby with a fifty foot cock!
I had second thoughts about including the rhyme above. I really don't like the imagery of the baby. I know it is only a nonsensical rhyme, and as a child I robotically repeated the lines with scant thought to what they meant. I was simply amused that that they included naughty words like "cock" and "arse". Now that I reflect back and have wee ones of my own, it makes me very uneasy. But, it is what it is.
There was another rhyme my mother told us. In it, a rhyming couplet would begin, but the second rhyme in the couplet would only be implied as the rhyme would segue quickly off into the next line before the "naughty word" was uttered. It was the kind of rhyme that came at you like machine gun fire, which is probably why I never picked it up very well except to recall that one of the implied rhyming words was "arse".
If you are at all bemused as to why a mother would teach her young children this kind of thing, she never really grew up herself. For more explanation, check out the "childhood" and "family" labels.
Happy New Year!
